┼ winter in sorrow ┼

Winter in Sorrow

I was a writer and I write over and over. My poems, essays, and short stories, I dedicated it all for him. But, does he worth it? He promise to make a portrait of me but where is it? It was gone by the wind. Many contests, I failed to win. WHY? It’s because of him. The reason why he left still bothers me. He distracted my concentration; he was the root of my confusion and he was the reason of my immediate decision of leaving everything… my studies, my org., my friends and even my family. I want to go far away to escape from everything. I want to run out of these mess. I want to search for a new world wherein there’s nothing more that would remind me of him.

We have lots of memories during summer. He welcomed with a smile and left me with a cry. How could I stop myself from crying when deep inside my heart is still aching? It still hurts he said… “If you really love me, set me free.” Though it’s killing me, though it’s hard for me, I did it because of him.

Laugher in summer was replaced by a tear; love was turned to hatred and joy to sorrow. I’m beginning to forget him then in my peacefulness, he interrupted me once again. “Take care always, BESTFRIEND!” How come he had called me that way? “I don’t want to be your friend!” that’s my answer. “I can be the best out of love and can also be the worst out of it” I added. “Aren’t you happy that I’m still texting you?I thought you have accepted the truth.” He said.” I also thought I’ve forgiven you but I was mistaken.” I replied.” Hope lets just stay as friends. We can’t really work it out.” He said. Now, it’s clear to see. I remembered what my friend told me, “ Tears are meant for now but for tomorrow, it will all be gone by. One day, you’ll realize, you’re no longer in-love with him.’ How I hope …. When is that day that tears won’t fall once again? Questions left unanswered.I’m not insisting myself to him. I just want to left him know, it’s all or nothing! “If we’re not meant to be, well, I’m sorry …. We can’t be best friends again cause you might invite me on your wedding or have me as a godmother of your child. No! I won‘t be there! I would refuse everything!!!” “Don’t cry I’m not worth a tear. I hope you’ll find someone who will love you more than I did. Hope, you’ll be happy, too.” He said, that made me felt more embarrassed. Now, I made up my mind. I’ll take a revenge… He said,” I won’t go back to Manila co’s I want peace of mind. You’ll be hurt more if we’re going to see each other. ”If you really love me, go on with your life… You can’t love somebody if you don’t love your self. I have really love you before.” He concluded. He left me crying here… I won’t give him peace! I challenge him…” Somebody, when our roads crossed again, let’s see, Who will beg for love, who among us will be a loser?”It’s really hard for me to cope up with this feeling… love and hate collided. I love him much but if hating him is the only way to forget him, I WILL!

For me, his love was conditional-like what he did before, he said…’ If you love me, you’ll set me free.” And now, once again, he’s telling me,” If you love me, you must move on.” But how? Why he did ask me for that? Because he was sure, I’ll do it, because he was sure, I LOVE HIM? How selfish? How can I go on where I am right now? Where is the best way to take or the right path to follow? WHERE WILL I GO?

As time passed by, I realized, I shouldn’t be afraid of his ghost. I shouldn’t escape from it but leave it all behind for the future is within my reach. Yeah! I made up my mind, I’ll continue to struggle, I’ve taken and the fightI’ve started then , in the end, I’LL WIN!…

Like the change weather from summer to winter, I’ve changed my mind from leaving to staying. I won’t leave my studies, my org., my friends, and most of all my family. I won’t full out days for I won’t like to be awakened one day to regret what I’ve done with all my life. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, I shouldn’t waste it.

I’ll pursue my studies. Summer in love had ended, winter in sorrow has started. The cold wind is blowing against my face.

I have lived my life without him for 18 years and I have lived with him for just 1 year and 24 days. I’m sure, I can live without him! I will do it not because of him but because of me and because of myself.

I know, winter will also end and summer will start again. Sun will rise and I will feel the warmth of the air. Day will come; my wounds will be healed and another love will start to bloom soon. Not just for SUMMER, not just for WINTER but…FOREVER!

“mHiz-yHeL”o1-o9-08